Why it’s Important to be Alone Sometimes

Writing has become somewhat of an emotional outlet for me, it allows me to express my feelings and help others who are going through the same things. I seldom write essays or “diary entries,” but I’ve received a lot of feedback, and it turns out, a lot of my readers really enjoy my yapping. So I’m just going to yap today about something I think is very important.

The Art of Being Alone

It’s currently April, and I’ve been single since the second week of January. Like most people going through a breakup, you have a little rebound phase. Mine died as quickly as it began since I only did it because my best friend was dying to set me up with this guy. Never again, by the way.

As soon as that was over, I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was single, alone, with no one to entertain me. For the first time since I was 16 years old, I was truly alone.

It’s so shocking to think that the last time I was truly single with no prospects at all was when I was in high school. At first, I couldn’t really believe it. I mean, sure, I was single, but was there really a time when I was never lonely? I mean, what about the time I broke up with my cheating ex-boyfriend? What about the time I ended that six-month-long situationship? Also, the big breakup of 2023 that everyone who knew me knew about, that led to the biggest crashout of my life? Was I not fully alone for longer than a month?

I’ll answer that for you, no, no I wasn’t.

Thanks to the dating apps and friends who love to meddle in my love life, I noticed it was easier not to be alone, and why would anyone want to be? Being alone with yourself means having to deal with all the issues you pushed down that you hoped to never face, and yet here I am facing them all right now.

When I say deal with it all now, I really mean deal with it all now. I had to face issues I had pushed down from the first boyfriend I ever had when I was 16! All because I didn’t take enough time to truly understand myself, what I wanted, and what I deserved. I had to face the heartache of everything I had been through. Trust me when I tell you this has been the hardest challenge I’ve had to face.

The hardest part of this journey is the desire to have companionship. It’s easy to go on a dating app and meet anyone, it’s easy to ask a friend to a family member to introduce you to someone, and if you’re a social butterfly like me, it's easy to approach someone you find yourself interested in. It’s also easy to text an ex if you’re not blocked or if you haven’t blocked them. If they’re just as desperate as you, they’ll take you back no problem. Companionship is easy; finding the right companionship is challenging, and choosing to be alone is the worst.

One significant thing I’d been told by the ex from the great crashout of 2023 was that no one would ever love me because I didn’t love myself (I was struggling with an eating disorder at the time). I was gutted and so desperately in love with him that I foolishly believed him, but I wanted to prove him wrong, so the men that came shortly after were the victims of my need to prove to a person who clearly couldn’t care less about me, that I was lovable. That was until the summer of 2024, an experience that changed me, and I don’t think he even knows it.

I met him through his mother; she and I were great friends and coworkers at a clothing store at the mall. We bonded over fashion and being Brazilian. I absolutely loved her, and when I met her, I was actually dating someone else. But she always gushed about her son being the perfect gentleman and always joked that someday, I’d be her daughter-in-law. Of course, I rolled my eyes. Every mother says that about her baby boy, and he’s an only child, so my expectations were low. I’ve dealt with mama’s boys in the past, and the trauma is still there. Then the guy I was dating broke up with me, and for 6 months of my life, I was entwined in a situationship with him that was hard to shake. I finally gathered the courage to leave and vowed to stay alone for at least a year. Not too long after, my coworker again raved about her son and joked about me being her daughter-in-law, so I made a joke that I’d yet to meet my husband. You can pretty much guess what happens after that.

So after barely a month of being alone, here comes Gustavo (fake name for privacy reasons). I got his Snapchat and then his number. We called that night and talked for hours, he was charming, funny, nerdy, Brazilian, and, according to him, 6’3, which pretty much makes him the perfect man.

Knowing him was amazing, even though he lives states away, the connection felt more real than anything I’d ever experienced. I felt understood by him, like he knew me without me having to overexplain myself to him. Sure, we’d get into little arguments like every couple, but he was the healthiest relationship I ever had. How could I not let myself get involved with him? He was perfect for me! I was beginning to think my coworker was some sort of matchmaker; this wasn’t the first time she’d done something like this. Not only would I have the perfect man, but I’d have the perfect in laws, I was living the dream!

One day, he and I were having one of our late phone calls when I was beginning to overexplain myself. I often do when I’m feeling insecure. As I rambled on about everything that is wrong with me and how I’ll be better for him because I care about him, he stopped me mid-rant (rude) and told me that he didn’t want me to change. He didn’t mind that I like to overexplain myself and that I don’t cook and clean. He didn’t mind that I wasn’t the picture-perfect housewife I always believed I was supposed to be to be worthy of a healthy relationship. Most of all, he didn’t mind that I wasn’t the perfect Christian girl. He liked me for me, as I am now. No change necessary.

I’m not sure he understood how important that was to me, even to this day. Whenever I’m down and I feel like I’m not enough, I remember that there was someone out there for me who liked me for me with all of my flaws. If I changed for the better, it wouldn’t be for a relationship. It would be because I wanted to change and be a better person on my own.

Of course, like all good things, this relationship came to an end, and even though he may not have been for me in this lifetime, I’d like to think I experienced a taste of what it would be like to have a soulmate.

There was an ugly side to this breakup, though. I had to face all the issues and scars I had never faced with the other breakups. I wasn’t just getting over one guy, I had to get over all of them. I had to face the fact that my high school boyfriend was more of a jerk than I realized, I had to face the fact that my cheating ex-boyfriend will forever slander my name to anyone who listens, and I don’t have to defend myself. I had to face the fact that the man who caused the great crashout of 2023 never actually loved me and just used me because I was easily available. I had to face the fact that you can’t turn a situationship into a relationship. Finally, I had to face the most painful reality of them all: just because they are perfect for you, that doesn’t make them your soulmate. It’s okay to have a good relationship that doesn’t have a happy ending. After facing all of these pent-up issues, I felt an enormous weight being lifted from my shoulders. It was like every aching pain from the past had been erased, and I was finally free from the emotional torment of my ex-boyfriends.

After all the heartache, my lovely friends and family members wouldn't stop trying to introduce me to new potential suitors. I used to love the idea back when I was going through all the other breakups, but this time was different. This time I felt like being alone. Not because of the breakup, but because I just enjoy my own company so much that I refuse to settle for someone who wants to change me. Being in a relationship where I truly felt valued and loved made me realize that I am worthy of everything I desire.

All this to say that, you are worthy. It’s hard to believe it, but once you let the idea set in your mind, you’ll realize you are worthy of everything you desire. There is a person out there who sees everything about you, the good, the bad, the ugly, and loves every single part of that person. There’s no need to go searching, let it come to you, and if you never find that person who appreciates and loves all of you, you always have yourself. Personally, I love my own company more than anything. Not to sound narcissistic or anything, but I can't help but find myself funny. I love how I dance when no one else does, and I take pride in my hair, my appearance, my laugh, and my smile. I also love encouraging others to embrace the same confidence because we are all unique, complex individuals, full of life and love to share.

It’s okay to be alone! Learn to enjoy your own company, even if it feels weird at first. You’ll get used to it, and before you know it, you'll appreciate the growth and peace that comes with spending time with yourself.