I got my heart broken. Here’s how I survived

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship and realized you started to lose your sense of self? Maybe you stopped doing the hobbies you enjoyed or chose to wear clothes you knew would please your partner. You found yourself becoming agreeable, but sometimes too agreeable. You also found it hard to say no even when deep down you knew you should have. We've all been there at some point, and I believe it's because we don't truly know and understand ourselves deeply. We're so desperate to form deep intimate connections with our partners, that we forget to form deep intimate connections within ourselves. This is where the idea of "loving yourself" comes from.

Now I thought for a long time that I loved myself, I mean when it comes to my looks I never really had much of an issue. However, self-love isn't about just loving how you look, it's about loving who you are, and to love who you are you must know who you are. Something that as a girl in my twenties, will take a long time to figure out.

Let's cut to the chase, Recently I went through a breakup, and I truly believed I was going to marry this person. The breakup caught me so off guard that I didn't know how to feel. I mean I planned my whole life around this person, and my future collapsed before me. To be honest my main concern during the breakup was "Where do I go from here?"

You would think I smartly handled the breakup, but I didn’t. I tried to push everything down and drown out any thoughts of my ex. If I caught myself having enough time to think, he was my first thought. So I did everything I could to stop myself from thinking about him. Then one day, I let myself think about him. I let myself drown in it. Embrace every aching pain it caused to think of him. I let my mind wander, figure out what I could have done differently, what I could have done to make him stay. Yet no matter how well I solved the equation it all came down to one answer...

SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE.

Once I let that realization sit with me, it made the healing process a lot more manageable. Here's a couple of things I did to get through the breakup.

1. I SPENT SOME TIME UNDERSTANDING MY FEELINGS

When you’re going through any type of heartbreak it’s easy to try and suppress your feelings. We all want to just come out of the situation stronger and better than ever, but those emotions you’re pushing down will have to come out eventually. There’s only so much you can hold down before you explode. I never liked suppressing my feelings, but at the same time, I didn’t like feeling those negative emotions. I wrote a journal of everything that happened, I wasn’t leaving out any details or sugarcoating anything. I analyzed what I did wrong and what my ex did wrong. I wrote about how unfair I thought the situation was. I wrote in this journal almost every single day. I had many ups and downs, moments where I thought I was finally over him only to spend the next moment broken at what could have been. I acknowledged every emotion I felt, inducing the ones I tried to suppress, then analyzed why I felt the need to suppress those feelings. Take the time to write or talk to yourself about your feelings, the more you understand yourself the easier it is to move on.

2. I DEVELOPED DEEPER CONNECTIONS WITH MY FRIENDS

Sometimes you find yourself spending a lot of time with your new boo and you tend to forget about your friends. After this last relationship, I swore to myself I would start making time for my friends. I spent a lot of time with the people who were there for me through the worst parts of my life, the friends who understood everything I was going through and loved me and stuck by me despite me ditching them for a while. I started opening up to them, being okay with being vulnerable with them. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends, if they're good friends they will happily listen, and love you through all of it.

3. I TRIED SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH MY HAIR

Life is too short to have boring hair, last year I got bangs. I figured this year I would go further and go blonde. I can’t tell you enough how that was one of the best decisions of my life, I felt so free. I spent so much time worried about ruining my brunette virgin hair. My ex told me he didn’t like blondes so I never really cared to do anything with my hair, that is until we broke up. Then I went all out, maybe I should have waited until I cleared my head, but I don’t regret it. If anything it was a small step to becoming more comfortable with myself and being less afraid of change and trying new things.

4. I BEGAN TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT MADE ME FEEL DIVINE

Let's be honest ladies, some of us like to dress for men sometimes. We ask our partners what outfit they would prefer so we can wear it to please them. I was so used to dressing in clothes I knew would please my ex, he never demanded me to dress a certain way or keep a certain look. I just did it on my own for him, knowing it was what he preferred. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out my style, trying anything and everything. I love dressing up and feeling pretty. I wear clothes that make me FEEL beautiful. If I don’t feel like the best version of myself in my clothes, to the thrift stores they go.

5. I BEGAN TO EXERCISE FOR MY HEALTH, NOT FOR MY APPEARANCE

When I started working out again, my first thought was to look like the girl my ex would like. The more I look back on that relationship I realize how unhealthy it was for me. I truly didn’t love myself. I did everything for this guy. I was even willing to change my appearance to mold myself into the “perfect wife” he always wanted. Then I realized nobody’s perfect. So I started doing workouts that interested me, I started yoga and pilates. I just did what my body knew would be a challenge and feel good. The reward wasn't what men liked anymore, but what I liked.

6. I OPENED MY HEART TO OTHERS

Breakups hurt and it takes a while to fully heal from the damage that’s been done. Don’t let a broken heart discourage you from finding love again, remember that this pain is temporary. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, find love in friendships too. You don’t have to date every person you meet, sometimes you align with someone platonically. Don’t be afraid of the possibilities that come from opening your heart.

7. I EMBRACED CHANGE

When you have no identity it’s easy to be influenced by others, when I ended up all alone I realized I truly had no idea who I was. I still don't fully know who I am and honestly, I don't think I will ever know. I may have an idea, but I'm always willing to grow and open my heart to new possibilities. If you claim to know who you are chances are you don't know. I spent some time trying to figure out my beliefs, my values, my likes, and my dislikes, trying to find that fire inside my soul that I had so long ago.

8. I BECAME HAPPY WITH MYSELF

I may not fully know who I am, but I do know one thing, I'm happy with the person I've become. Most people will proudly tell you that they killed the old version of themselves. However, I'm happy to say that I did the opposite. I kept her alive. Instead of killing the old version of me, I let her grow and evolve. I'm still that sweet loving girl that I always have been, I still give my all to others, especially to the people I love. Only now I make sure those people are worthy of my efforts because I deserve the same love and appreciation I give to others. When my ex left me he told me I needed the world to break me to mature. Yet here I am, unbroken, and growing. You don't need to be traumatized to be a better person, you just need to be happy with who you are now and be okay with being changed.

This is the start of a new season, I can't wait to grow with all of you.

xoxo

-Sarita